The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

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I came across a quote from Natalie Lue in an NPR article last year and it was so profound, I knew I wanted to read this book as soon as it came out. The aim of all this is to reduce the complexity of my life. Now, I try to work on no more than three projects in a day. Splitting attention between multiple tasks can leave you feeling out of control. For Chapman, life clutter builds up when we fill our lives with social events we do not really want to go to, work tasks we say yes to, when they are not our responsibility, toxic relationships and unhelpful thoughts and feelings. Just as Kondo promises to bring us joy by decluttering our homes, these books promote decluttering of a different kind – social, professional, psychological, existential – that, the authors tell us, will lead us to true fulfilment and freedom. Go on, try saying you’re too busy for a change. Never mind ‘yes, I can’ – sometimes, the very best answer is ‘no, I damn well can’t!’

No is not a dirty word. Follow author Natalie Lue’s six-step plan to find your no so you can create healthier boundaries and reconnect with your values and authentic self. In het tweede deel gaat Natalie Lue dieper in op het aspect van de verschillende soorten pleasers. Ze deelt deze op in vijf verschillende soorten; het 'goede' doen, je best doen, vermijden, redden, lijden. Deze vijf verschillende types diept ze, hierbij gaat ze ook op zoek naar de achterliggende reden van dit gedrag. Ook de verschillende praktijkvoorbeelden, zorgen ervoor dat je een goed en volledig beeld krijgt van de verschillende soorten pleasers die er zijn. Vooral dit was voor mij erg leerzaam. Ik weet nu overduidelijk welk type ik ben en waar het gedrag vandaan komt.If you provide a ‘because’, you have more chance of the person accepting. Even if it’s an utterly random reason, people are less likely to argue with it. But if you give a list of reasons, it undermines you. AND…REPEAT But that is not to say it was simple, he cautions. “I still find it very difficult. I still get flattered when someone says they’d like me to be involved in their project, and I still find myself saying yes to things that I really shouldn’t. I’m not pretending I’ve conquered saying ‘no’.” The Joy of Saying No will help you identify your people-pleasing style and habits. A six-step framework then teaches you how to discover the healing and transformative power of no to:

Zeg jij vaak nee? Aan de hand van een simpel stappenplan legt Natalie Lue je uit hoe je kan stoppen met pleasen en zo dichterbij je authentieke zelf te komen. Hoe vaak zeg jij 'ja', terwijl je 'nee' wilt zeggen? Ga je hierbij aan jezelf voorbij? Doorbreek je patronen en stop met pleasen en andere boven jezelf te stellen. Kies voor een betere relatie met jezelf en je omgeving. Hierdoor ervaar je ongetwijfeld meer geluk in je leven. I’ve recently discovered that it can be really empowering to reply in the negative. Ever tried it? I recommend it. So many of us struggle with feelings of abandonment, rejection, feeling not good enough, and people pleasing with emotionally unavailable and shady folks. We’ve been scared of boundaries, expressing our needs, being less than perfect, and becoming more of who we are, and so we settle for crumbs and abandon and hurt ourselves in the process. At first, this approach worked for me. It was great to collaborate towards a joint end and to feel genuinely that I was adding value to lots of projects. About three years ago, I realised the only way to stop saying sorry was to start saying no All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone,” said the 17th-century French philosopher Blaise Pascal. But the solution cannot be to force ourselves to sit quietly in a room alone, because, contrary to our own omnipotent fantasies and risible delusions of self-control, we cannot choose what we feel or what we think. We have to ask, why is this such an impossible thing for us to do? Why do we persist in filling our lives, even when we do not want to? What is it that we are avoiding? Ultimately, why do we continue to do the very things that make us unhappy?If, like me, you’re having trouble saying no, this may help. Saying No Doesn’t Mean You’re a Bad Person Please be aware that the delivery time frame may vary according to the area of delivery - the approximate delivery time is usually between 1-2 business days. It’s okay to make mistakes—nobody is perfect, and everybody does things that they regret; this is what makes us human. Through profiles of others and candid anecdotes from her own life, Lue explains the various styles of and remedies to people pleasing (i.e., ignoring one’s own needs, wants, feelings, and opinions). She teaches readers how to say No when they’ve always automatically and resentfully said Yes. And, through vivid metaphors, she explains the mind-body connection of stress with greater relatability than can be found in similar works written by experts.

To make matters worse, much of the work I was struggling to do was unpaid. I was getting into debt because my to-do list was so full that I was turning down paid work. The second step to learning to say no is realizing that you are valuable and choosing your own opinion about yourself over others. Having people think negatively of me is the ultimate rejection. Whether they say what they think of me, out loud or not, does not matter to me. It is the thought that they look down on me.

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There's a lot of wisdom in Natalie's writing, but what was a struggle for me at first was getting through the writing style. I felt earlier on that some of the points could be made with fewer comma'd lists. In the end, this book has taken me nearly 7 months to finish.